داشتم توی باشگاه انقلاب می دویدم. آهنگ Tango to Evora ورژن بودا بار بود... پر از آرامش و نوازش ... و داشتم با لذت گوشش می کردم. وقتی تموم شد بدون لحظه ای مکث آهنگ Treat Her Like a Lady با جیغ بنفش Celine Dion شروع شد. انگار یک لحظه از توی یک خواب آرام و روشن توی ابرها بپری وسط یک کنسرت راک.
خیلی جالب بود. چون از دومی هم به فاصله ی چند ثانیه شروع کردم به لذت بردن و از ذهنم گذشت که این آهنگ ها رنگهای زندگی هستند. یکی رنگ آرامش داره و دیگری رنگ شور و تفریح و هیجان. یکی مزه ی ملایم و دلپذیری داره و اون یکی مزه ی تند و تیز و غلیظ. و فکرکردم که زندگی هم همینه. اگه همه ی زندگی آرامش بود بی مزه و خسته کننده بود و اگر همش هم هیجان و تندی اونم اعصاب خرد کن و مستاصل کننده. ودلیلی نداره که توی زندگی همش دنبال یک چیز بود. یک رنگ، یک روش، یک راه.
هر کدوم مزه ی خودشون رو دارند و حال و هوای خودشون رو. از همه ی مزه هاش هم میشه امتحان کرد و لذت برد و تجربه شون کرد.
Getting too upset by the bad things happening:
A Shiraz dealer has turned his shop to competition, yesterday Escan called and kind of criticized me for a dealer who didn’t pay, today another 2 have stopped paying, recently checking the CCCAM I see the staff wasting their time and playing.
And I’m totally disappointed and kind of paralyzed.
In the meanwhile I’m listening to Ramin talking with the surrendered dealer. And I’m surprised how lengthy, engaging, and seemingly effective a conversation he leads with the guy. While he hears no, he doesn’t let it ruin his positive attitude. He doesn’t get angry or feel failure. He is emotionally quite strong. Many times I scold him, but he still manages
He resorts to his emotions, to his honor, to his self-respect, etc. Anything that may lead to him making the sales. He has given his shop away, but Ramin is still trying to get something, a stand or display set or whatever into his shop so that later maybe he can expand it again and find an excuse to call him every now and then and maybe strike. I know and understand most techniques he is using or other sales people use, but to imagine myself using the same, I don’t think so.
So add to the other obstacles of success in this job: getting disappointed/upset/drained too quickly, and things having big negative effect on me.
Plus my mind is too rational. I’m unable to –this me is unable to emotionally, wordlessly, attend to issues related to people. I don’t understand when to tell what, when to be easy and when to be strict. When to scold and when to relate, sympathize or empathize.
Respect.
When I’m disrespected, it eats into me more than anything else and I don’t know how to confront it.
13 Azar 91
10:56 AM
Office
You just want to escape, don’t you?
You are given a challenge and as soon as there is something that needs to be done more than what you do hands in the pocket you just shift to doing something else, another activity and sometimes writing.
It’s just you isn’t it?
If things would go smoothly, sales would be high and no management issues or whatever, you would just never feel useless or demotivated, sleepy or what or never thought you don’t like sales, or Sam or whatever.
20 Aban 91
4:30 PM office
This is exactly the same.
I’m experiencing my Konkoor days again. Exactly Same.
Sitting. Doing Nothing. Reluctant to do anything. Mostly criticizing myself in my mind. Exactly wanting to do anything except what I have to do.
21/9/91
Impulsive.
Your brain prefers immediate pleasures over longer term gratification.
Even thinking on the subject, same happens. I feel tired of thinking about it. I just want to escape to sleeping. To doing something giving quick pleasure. Like checking Facebook. Just read stuff.
Even many times it is this impulsiveness that makes the drive for doing good and useful things like going for a ride after hearing a piece of exciting music.
Sunday 26/Azar/ 91
5:50PM
Have faith in yourself.
Faith.
Faith that you can do it. Faith that no matter hard things might be, you will be able to handle it.
To believe in yourself.
Have faith. Be more forgiving to yourself. Be tough. But be more friendly to yourself.
How is it possible for expensive cars not to be a thorn in your eye?
How is it possible that I don’t see people as competitors, enemies, watchers, etc.?
How is it possible not to live for people? Not to do anything for their admiration or attention? How to enjoy life yourself?
I have a wonderful wife. Did you know that. She is so calm, peaceful and forgiving. Giving. Highly emotionally in control and intelligent. I’m so stuck with myself and my world that I barely am aware of the heaven I’m living in.
We are a family. A small family that is so so potential for being extremely happy and fulfilling.
Why am I so forgetful about it?
The feel, the picture of the coziness, the unitness, oneness the integration of a family together is a
16 Azar 91
3:55 PM
Everything I do Just what remains is me eating myself again and again.
It’s 3 days that I have not been out running. Partly due to dangerous air pollution and partly a hidden pleasure in skipping it. Everything seems about delayed gratification. You try to overcome your laziness, your tendency to stay in the warm and coziness of the home
16 Azar 91
12:24 PM
Think deeply about it.
Will you want to continue your current lifestyle? An employee? Or will you be able to found something of your own and contribute to the world? Change the world.
When I walk in the streets, every single expensive car is a thorn in me. That I have not achieved. And I’m left behind in the competition. I don’t have the money.
One voice says try it. Just try. So that you have tried and you won’t regret losing the opportunity.
Think clear. Think Clarity.
How will the scenarios be:
1- I’m going to be self-employed. Trying to understand the market all by myself. Figure out the way to do things.
a. I’m not sure if I can make it and live that life.
b. I don’t know what is the subject that I can excel in.
c. I should be looking at least at a 5 year investment.
d. Whether you succeed or not depends and is not clear.
e. I don’t know if there will be enough money.
f. It is difficult to lose the prestige of working in a good company (at least I’m making better money otherwise)
[MONEY] in a past writing I noticed what will money be for? To bring happiness? But I’m spending precious time and life in which I’m supposed to be happy in.
Then I dug deeper to see what is that happiness that it brings me? And the thoughts included approval of others, their confirmation and showing off the money (now also as an evidence of my competence). Based on the above it occurred to me so this is living for the sake of others. Others’ approval, confirmation or whatever. How would I like that kind of life? On the other hand the other voice says: I just can’t be poor! I just can’t be pitied upon! Just can’t afford not affording things!
Then again, I say: that’s because you are used to this kind of life. You are sure to get something to eat. You’ll survive, that’s why you are content with it and out of fear of losing it, leave any better thing that might come to happen.
2- The second scenario will be to be an employee.
a. I’ll always have to manage people.
b. Work with bosses that hinder more than drive.
c. The field that I’m working requires great people skills which I don’t have and seems to be very difficult to get.
d. There is always limitation in income.
e. I’m bored to death at work sometimes. I skip work (Like right now sitting in the library at my working hours)
f. I’m not passionate about work. Those I should be competing work day in day out to achieve but I just manage the bottom lines.
g. I’m not motivated to achieve higher levels.
I’m usually tangled in the strings of my own thought. That becomes the diversion from the main and real activity. I have procrastination habits, self-doubt and self-deceit, self-punishment, negativity and pessimism. Too much used to habitual living. Have difficulty adjusting to change. Too ambitious. I would definitely want t drive a Porsche someday. To feel valued, accomplished, successful, worthy.
I can’t distinguish to achieve that whether I have to be self-employed or employee. I know owners of both factions.
8 Azar 91
1:17 PM AA Library