In ever cool off mode. Just looking for a distraction. Looking for peace of mind. Looking for giving my brain a rest. When there is no action, no remaining effect, no stability in decisions, what is the point about writing about them so much. So much planning for what? If there no result comes out then why bother?
Just escaping the unpleasant reality, which is unstable work condition and the problems related to it. Financial pressure and feeling of worthlessness. Stagnation in the economic and professional sides of life though I’m keeping a pretty decent pace of reading and improving relations with the baby. However my belly is getting bigger and bigger for which on the personal side of things and life I should find a solution and keep working at it.
When I’m down I’m much more prone to break my promises to myself. Much more prone to reject all the reasons based on which I have made a decision. Just escape brushing. Cancel running. When there is this feeling of “shame” of myself, I tend to disregard myself and when so, there is nothing I can’t do no matter how cheap.
The job part of things, is getting clearer little by little though with a sluggish speed. So I can start calling the dealers to announce the new shipment and re-launch of the business. However the accurate timing is not clear yet so maybe I’ll start that after the order was confirmed. I requested a job vacancy advertisement for sales dept. which was put off the “Doctor”. Perhaps wants to if he will end up as the mentor of the business and then use his beloved psychologist to recruit people. And Scan tries to bring sales under his direct control.
About Eleven Office – 21 Ord
Change.
Change of a paradigm, your very glasses into your eyes through which you see the whole world, needs daily devotion and decision. And sticking to it. Getting paralyzed by other people’s weaknesses. Can’t simply erase their weaknesses but either should leave it or adapt to accommodate those weaknesses. The same way as other might accommodate mine.
The reality is the base. Reality. Hitting yourself against the ideal will only leave you bitter and depressed. If you can’t influence, it’s simply your lack of enough expertise to do that. Like you don’t know how to ski, it’s not a fault in your character. It’s not you are not worthy. It’s in the circumstances that you are, still need to hone your skills to be able to take your success further. If you want you can leave this place but the abilities and skill levels remain same. If the problem with the success is too much hassle to get there, still you can change your job. If you can find one, so much the better. If you can’t, you can simply fight to fix your place.
Do something without blaming yourself. Push yourself but don’t scold. Set a high goal but don’t underestimate. The fault is with your action or your environment but not in you. You are a motor, and a pretty good one. If the parts and body you are in, are not suitable for your purpose, thereis no fault with the engine, but with the body not being appropriate. Then either you can change the purpoe to match the body, or change the body to match the purpose.
So good they can’t ignore you. So good they can’t afford to lose you.
Around 10AM
18 Ordi 92
Library
These are just what happens. These are the pain, not the suffering. The suffering comes from you. From you blaming yourself for being what they want you to be or expect you to be. These are just happenings. What gives meaning and effect to them is the stance you choose towards them.
You expect things to be always as they should be. For the cheese to always remain where you expect it to be. To never change place and never be taken to any other place. This is about who moves your cheese and how you react to that. This is how much you accept that you are incapable. This is about you feeling victimized instead of finding it an action in the external world that is affecting your world and simply needs to be addressed. It’s about you “blaming yourself” not to be able to influence their decisions. Just give a try, inform them and leave the rest to chance feeling kind of confident that you did all you could. But the result doesn't much depend on whether you did what you should have done, but instead what brought the desired result. It’s just the world. It’s not personal. There is no suffering about it. You don’t like it, escape it. If you can’t, take time to change it. This is about finding the effective way not doing your text book homework and sit back. And if the result didn’t appear as planned, be quickest to start the blaming and self-destruction process.
The pain, the external world, the facts, the people, are inevitable. But whether you let them make your life miserable, to let them make you suffer is optional.
The cheese moves whether you like it or not, or whether you expect it or not. But it’s you whom in the end sits somewhere mourning or eating yourself for the catastrophe or find a new source of cheese or find where the old cheese went. Let the lost cheese have you lose your walnut and almond and other delicious stuff or just let it remain as much important as it should be.
Totally up you. You have a choice. To flee, to fight or just sit miserable and passive.
0:42 18 Ordi.
Wife’s old room
Sense of worth.
Where do I get the sense of worthiness? Do I feel worthy?
When will it come that I see people as just people, not competitors. Not enemies. Not obstacles.